A Nameless Horror of Turkeyness

Found this on Tumblr and had to share.


The author reaches Shakespearean levels of insult! Such as this gem:

“Bottom middle is green beans. Friends, it is unforgiveable. If you left a cup of green tea on the porch in bad weather for a week, during which time it attained sentience and promptly began plotting your demise, and you hate green tea, that’s what this tastes like.”

…This is how you properly insult someone without ever using foul language. Writers take note!

17 thoughts on “A Nameless Horror of Turkeyness

  1. lols, yeah, that one is always a joy to read, even if you’d have to pay me A LOT to actually eat those things if they taste even a little bit how she describes them! ^___^

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahahahaha!!! Without ever using a single bit of foul language, and still laying out some very awesome beat downs. Absolutely amazing! Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think the best part, for me at least, was that after a heart-felt and eloquent explanation of just how bad the candy corn is

    They then rate it five-stars, and recommend buying a bowl of it to inflict on other poor souls without due warning.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I’ve got friends who did the skittles and M&M’s, because they liked that. You just have to pay attention to which are brighter colors, because those are the skittles.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. But that only would be a problem if people were eating huge handfuls at a gulp. Normally one gets a handful of those candies and eats them one by one, because the whole point is that the colors and/or flavors are individually enjoyable.

        Gotta say that I’d save Skittles until the end, as a palate cleanser, but blending chocolate, peanut butter, and orange wouldn’t be too cursed.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I think it might be less narrowly targeted than you’re thinking? I don’t get the impression eating them individually is the most common approach, though I could be wrong. Even though I still like to sort my M&Ms by color, I enjoy having a handful at a time on occasion, or at least several — and if it’s some sort of party where I’ve got a scoop in a napkin in my hand or something instead of on a plate, I’m likely to go through them faster to prevent excess stickiness transfer — and I don’t like Skittles.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. *helpless giggling* The three nearly identical colors are really sort of terrifying. At least you can dodge the green bean. With those, I’m not sure how much any amount of forewarning could help.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh, the indescribable agony of my poor digestive system, as I‘m rolling on the floor holding my tummy…
    laughing my ass off.

    Stuff like this might be why I’m not too fond of a) artificial flavors, and b) gummy sweet chemical waste a.k.a fruit loops and its like…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I dunno… mixing Skittles, M&Ms, and Reese’s sounds like exactly the kind of thing certain friends of mine might do for parties, trolling for reactions.

    They’d *definitely* do it with Halloween candy, if anyone would be willing to accept candy that wasn’t factory sealed….

    And, on a totally unrelated note, something that bobbed to the surface of my mind just from the post title: https://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/threads/advice-and-trust-nge.8768/post-9856443
    (yes, it’s an Evangelion story, but there’s no depression or angst at all)


  7. I did a taste test video of that bag of abomination and sent it to my friends and family. 🙂 I actually liked the apple pie and cranberry. Not in terms of them tasting like their representative food but by actually tasting decent and sweet. I put the rest back in the bag and we had my nieces and nephew decorate gingerbread houses with them. XD One niece ate a green bean and liked it! That’s a five year old for you.

    Liked by 2 people

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