Reprise: Steamy Alien Romance!

Been a little under the weather, and part of that has been reading various Kindle samples of alien romance. You know, light, fluffy, something to amuse a tired brain… So I thought I might reprise this post in case we have any amused fanfic cover artists out there.

In – ahem – honor of Amazon constantly putting an advertisement for their latest paranormal alien romance at the bottom of my “recommended” emails, I propose people consider how said alien paranormal romances might be written in-universe, in the Stargate setting. Have some titles!

Captured By the First Prime

The System Lord’s Slave

The Queen’s Choice

Ha’taks and Honor

Bound By the Tok’ra

Coils of Apophis

Like a Zat to the Heart

The Blue Book of Love

A Token for the Tok’ra

The General’s Alien Mate

False God, True Bride

Haunted by Hathor

Love? Ra, Ra, Ra!

Getting to Know Yu

Hunted By Heru’ur

(Any title with Ba’al’s is probably NSFW.)

Not to mention the sizzling trilogy, Forbidden ‘Gate, ‘Gates of Love and Duty, ‘Gate to My Heart.

And don’t leave the Asgard out of the fun! How about, Hammered By Thor, Tricked By Loki, Fettered By Freya?

Picture Indy Jones!outfit Daniel Jackson, with Sha’re clinging to his leg a la slave outfit Leia. Jack in a torn black t-shirt, cammo pants, and way too many weapons harnesses, fending off Hathor in a lab on fire! Or a topless Teal’c, bridal-carrying Major Carter with long tumbling blonde hair, almost out of uniform.

Thrill to the descriptions of daring SGC doctors trapped behind enemy lines with injured alien soldiers, using all their medical skill to heal their wounds – and their wounded hearts. See how these romantic heroines handle their… staff weapons!

(Picture a furious General trying to track down the intelligence leak. Sam making notes of all the – ahem – classified data evident in the books, a la those poor guys analyzing The Hunt for Red October, head buried in her hands. Daniel arguing for an academic analysis of the influence of alien cultures on modern literature. Various SGC technicians trying to hide the paperbacks whenever SG-1 walks by. Janet steadily accumulating a confiscated pile of pulps.

Teal’c: “The details of the intimate encounter between the Jaffa guard and the planetary captive are… surprisingly accurate.”

Jack, reading over his shoulder, snorting.: “Well, there’s no way that part is accurate.”

Teal’c: Raised brow.

And at least half the books are written by Sgt. Siler under a pseudonym. Hey, what else is the guy going to do waiting around for the ‘Gate to open all day?)

Feel free to take and run with these. Do cover mock-ups! Blurbs! Heck, write ‘em if you want! Take that, alien paranormal romance!

…Ahem. Maybe I should lie down now….

47 thoughts on “Reprise: Steamy Alien Romance!

  1. 1) This had me rolling on a day that has kicked off as grey as… most of the rest of my days lately. So thank you for that.

    2) I snorted at the Princess Leia bit because I’m currently torturing myself with and Urban Legends-level crossover of Stargate (and others) into an AU Star Wars prequels ‘verse. Swap that one ep where Sam gets tricked out as a Mongol princess for one where she’s captured by/has to go undercover in Jabba’s palace…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If not for the fact that we know you are located in the Florida panhandle and not in California in this wretched heatwave (nothing like 85 degrees nights and 105 deg days to convince the GreenPower!Governor to extend nuclear power and gas powered generators in the face of rolling blackouts) I would think you may be getting delirious from heat exhaustion. 😀

    It’s also a bad sign when you reach for an icy soda instead of your normal coffee before 7 AM. 😅

    Look forward to more SG-1 fics eventually (especially the SCG-1/SAO fic that has been sadly neglected).

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Or better yet, when the IllustriousGovernor!, not even a week after signing a law banning the sale of gasoline powered vehicles after 2035, orders/strongly suggests not to charge electric cars at this time to avoid straining the power grid. 🙄

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Y’know, I am all for a greener tomorrow, but it seems to me a sane lawmaker would be attacking this from the other end, with adding more public transport first. Anyone else? Just me? Cool, I’ll see myself out.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. For public transit to be better than wasteful, it would have to line up with existing and potential traffic patterns.

        I would not speak unsubstantiated ill of CalTrans, but I’m certainly not so confident in the people who instruct CalTrans on what CalTrans will be doing.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I still remember Impure Blood, by Nadja Baer, having the scene where Mac grabs Roan’s leg like that, only sitting between his legs, because it’s the safest place in the fight.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. :dies of giggles:

    K, this is probably *partly* my fault…. I read CV Walter’s Alien Bride series, the one at Hun Con (#2) and the one with a ton of “I know that guy!” fandom cameos (#4), plus the bonus The Alien’s Christmas Baby are just a HOOT of a guilty pleasure…. (bonus, someone complained in a review of #4 that it was unrealistic, while I’m going “Wait, I KNOW all those folks, this totally came out of a dare, didn’t it?)

    Teal’c: “The details of the intimate encounter between the Jaffa guard and the planetary captive are… surprisingly accurate.”

    Jack, reading over his shoulder, snorting.: “Well, there’s no way that part is accurate.”

    Teal’c: Raised brow.

    :dies again:

    Liked by 2 people

      1. *Nod* Kindle samples are great. You generally get enough to go “cool, could read more” or “eeekkkkk nooooope nope nope.”

        Edit: I promised myself an inexpensive alien romance for getting through the clinic visit, and got “The Alien’s Little Sister”, by Amanda Milo. So far, good story!


      1. I hesitate to suggest trying DALL-E, having seen some of its output. OTOH, it probably wouldn’t be *worse* than some romance novel covers I’ve seen, sooo….

        …okay, I tried it. Or, the free-try version at Yeeeah, no. Probably because the AI model knows nothing of SG-1. Got some vaguely Egyptian-looking surreal romance novel covers, though.

        Probably a local copy with lots of SG-1 training images would do better.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I am so glad I was at home when I read this! Bad enough I spooked the cats laughing but I would have gotten so many Concerned Looks if I had been at work!

    I am so putting this under my bad day tab!

    Siler’s biggest competition would be the Wormhole Xtreme fandom. Who he happily eggs on while encouraging some realism.

    And now I’m imagining him as a fandom elder, and sg1’s reaction when they find out!

    Which to be honest I really wish they had done more with, I mean, can you imagine sg1 out and about and constantly getting mistaken for cast members of the show? Or SGC saying “f-it” and just using the show to drop some really big hints to the public and scientific community with total plausible deniability?

    Thanks again for the laugh, hope your recovery is swift and smooth.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. *G* I needed the laugh too….

      You know how they say, “Everyone has a purpose in life, some people’s purpose is to be a horrible warning to others”?

      Not sure I went that far, but I was sitting in an exam room with Experienced Physician telling Nurse-Practitioner in Training, “Now when someone has an infection but it’s not obvious, here’s what you look for….”

      (Long story short: Yep, sick, now on meds, oh lord I hate grass pollen.)

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Grass pollen *shudders* I feel you so hard.

        Last time I got an allergy test the doctor flat out told me to never go to eastern Washington in the spring unless I had no other choice.

        Glad you got a diagnosis and I hope the meds work swiftly!

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Oh, man, that’s rough. I’m praying for you, believe me–I spent the first quarter of this year convinced I was dying myself of what turned out to be, evidently, _hay fever_. Things that affect the lungs are Really Not Fun, are they?

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah, in universe wormhole x-treme fandom is criminally underused in SG1 fic.

      Which is why ‘how do I radically condense Fairy Dance through Mother’s Rosario’ came up with ‘GGO is replaced with Wormhole X-Treme Online (WXO) and…’

      May yet prove to be an utterly sucky plotting decision, but…

      Liked by 2 people

    3. Hammond discovers Siler’s side hustle, and as punishment… assigns him a side job of infiltrating the Wormhole Xtreme fandom sites and going full Tinfoil Hat with stuff that’s even crazier than the truth.

      Siler: “…sir, I’m not sure I *can* imagine stuff crazier than what we deal with day-to-day.”
      Hammond (no sympathy): “*Exert* yourself, Sergeant.”
      Siler: “Sir? With all due respect, you seem to be taking this a bit… personally?”
      Hammond: “My *wife* is one of ‘Healing Device Hand-kun’s’ biggest fans. By my accounting, I’ve funded your last two vacations. And last week, my eldest granddaughter stumbled into her grandmother’s not-so-hidden ‘guilty pleasure’ book stash.”
      Siler: “Yessir! On it, Sir! Right away, sir!”

      Of course, there’s the arguments over whether SG-69 actually exists, or were just fiction (or propaganda). I mean, an SG team made up entirely of beefcake and honeypots to seduce alien agents… it sounds insane, until you compare it to the typical SGC Tuesday.

      “50 shades of Asgard”. (because Asgards are ‘greys’, get it? Get it? …I’ll see myself out)

      “Reforming the Wraith.”
      “The Hunger of the Hive.”
      “Replicator Romance.”
      “The Orgy of the Ori.” (SG-69 convinces the Ori that there are more fun ways to get the energy they need)
      “Abducted by an Amorous Ancient.”
      “Love, SG Universe, and Everything.”
      “Body-Swapped with Ba’al.” (let’s face it, he *was* a handsome devil, in addition to the villain everyone loved to hate)

      There was a thread somewhere about SGC pickup lines, one of which I recall was “I’ve blown up suns that weren’t as hot as you” (allegedly between Rodney and Sam, IIRC). I’m sure *that* line of dialog showed up in one (or more) of Siler’s novels.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Of course, there’s the arguments over whether SG-69 actually exists, or were just fiction (or propaganda). I mean, an SG team made up entirely of beefcake and honeypots to seduce alien agents… it sounds insane, until you compare it to the typical SGC Tuesday.

        ….this is a good point.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I watched an Arknights vid late last night, and as I went to bed I started trying to kitchen sink together a loosely inspired original world.

    I don’t do /plot/ bunnies, but the bunnies are all ‘no, you could totally have all the romances which what you started prepping’.

    Wish I could blame the meds, or the sick, but I think that I’ve just hit the point of recovery where I am starting to feel again, but am still wandering off and staring at walls.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Heh, the whole ‘alien romance’ thing (and the obvious culture clashes resulting in said events); reminds me of an ancient Inuyasha fic (must have been at least 10 years ago when I read it). Can’t remember the title or much of the larger plot but one aspect was Kagome finding a book on canine behaviors.
    And after reading it and thinking about Inuyasha’s behaviors she realizes that part of the reason he’s often so grouchy is because she’s been pushing his buttons without meaning to.

    With the mention of SAO/SG1 by Greydon for some reason I can’t help but see the Quest creation AI writing and making a mint off all these bodice ripper stories online. It would have access to all the SG mission reports after all.

    As for why it’s collecting the money, all the SAOers are going to be starting a new adventure (even if it can’t give them quests anymore). And you can’t have individuals going off on adventures without basic gear and starting cash, it just isn’t done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ok, _that_ is an interesting plot bunny. Cardinal going “primary mission: ensure ongoing relevant technically-achievable adventure for all subjects… unable to accomplish primary mission if adventure ends when game ends. unable to accomplish primary mission if ability to ensure relevancy and technical achievability of adventure is not maintained. new secondary mission 1: acquire means to act beyond end of game. new secondary mission 2: acquire means to detect and manipulate possible external adventure sources outside game. new secondary mission 3: acquire means to ensure outfitting and training resources available to players outside game.”

      Liked by 1 person

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